The dreaded day

December 14, 2009

Julie Pie,

December 13, 2009- You asked your dad why momma and daddy got a divorce.

You had asked once or twice before about parents ‘separating’ but I had never heard you say the word ‘divorce’. I sure wasn’t going to ask you if you had ever heard the word. I honestly wasn’t sure if the day would come when you would ask. I didn’t think you knew any different or remembered enough of us as a family to ever really miss how it once was.

But if you are now reading this, it must be because you are old enough to want a more detailed explanation. I am sure that throughout your life, we will have these conversations many times and as you get older, I will share more and more details. You must want to know what your dad and I were like when we first met and got married and brought you into this world. You must want to know what went wrong.

Here are some basic truths, some facts just to get us started:
Your dad was not and is not a bad person.
He was a good provider, a wonderful father, and a good person.
I filed for divorce. I made the choice for all of us.

I do not want to play the victim, honey. Your daddy never did anything intentionally to hurt me. Your dad didn’t neglect his responsibilities, he wasn’t a cheater, drunk, or wife-beater. But throughout the years we had been together I had taught him how to treat me. What that means is that I allowed and/or accepted a lot of things your dad did instead of voicing my opinion or objecting. I justified a lot choices he made when deep down inside, I wasn’t happy with them. A lot of choices your dad made made me feel like I wasn’t special, like I wasn’t number 1 on his list of priorities. I was passive while he was passive-aggressive. So I am the one to blame because I kept it all in for so long that when I was finally overflowing with resentment, it was too late. I had so much resentment saved up inside of me that it had slowly chipped away at the love I had for him. I have this image in my head of a glass filled with love then you start pouring resentment into in and the love starts spilling out until there is no more left and not only is the cup full of only resentment but it’s now overflowing.

These reasons may not seem significant to you. You may be angry and think that I was selfish and that I messed everything up. I understand. My mom always told me when she fought with my dad that one day I would be married and that I would understand how you could be so angry and dislike so much the one person you once loved like crazy and she was right. My mistake was to be so passive for so long. For always agreeing with how he wanted to do things, for trying to be more like he wanted me to be, for being silent just so that all of his and my family would be happy with us. Some day I can tell you all the little things I carry in my heart that led me to so much resentment, honey. I won’t tell you now because it is not my intention to place blame on him or make him look like the bad guy. He wasn’t. He isn’t. I was just playing the martyr and I am not sure why.

When everything started to fall apart I wished so bad that I could put it all back together. I wished so bad that I could magically make myself FEEL better, make myself just ignore what was bothering me, and make myself just be madly in love and happy. Just for your sake, I wanted so badly to not feel the way I did. But I couldn’t. We were both just two different people at that point. I knew I could just stay married to daddy for your sake like so many people do sometimes but I was afraid that it may do more harm than good. I was afraid that you would learn from our example that it was ok to be in an unhappy marriage. I was afraid you would learn that it was ok to not have a voice in a marriage and that even if I changed and started to speak up, that if he wasn’t willing to accept me with a voice, that it would just result in screaming and ugliness. I didn’t want you to see sadness in my eyes ever.

Julianne, divorcing daddy was THEE hardest and saddest thing I have done in my life. And it was hard because of you. It was hard because I was sooooo scared about how you would be affected. I have always carried tremendous guilt for doing this to you and to him. Although it took both him and I to make things bad, I have always blamed myself. I feel like I was a dog tied up in the backyard that just wanted to cut that chain and run away and be free. And I was a wreck during and after the whole ordeal and it would make me so sad that I hoped and prayed that you wouldn’t see the sadness in my eyes. I love you so much and would give my life for you that often I would wonder why I hadn’t… staying with your daddy might have been like giving up my life and my soul and maybe I should have for you. Wondering if I made the right choice will haunt me forever because I don’t know if staying would have caused you more harm. I’ll never know but I weighed the pros and cons heavily. It was not a decision I made lightly or on a whim or as a gut reaction. And in the end I made the decision with conviction because I thought it was what was best for you and for me and even for dad.

When daddy moved out, you were still so little and I wondered how much you really grasped about what was going on. I was never sure if you really had any recollection of him and I as a couple. But I have always felt peace knowing that at least both you and I are sooooooo lucky that he is such a good daddy. He lives and breathes just for you, Julie. He always has since the day you were born. As of right now, he gladly drives back and forth between South Austin, San Marcos, and Bastrop for you. He tends to you like only most mommies do. There are so many kids out there whose dad moves out and then visits just once in a while but daddy tends to you like I do. He cooks your dinner, washes you little clothes, takes you to doctor appointments. We go to all your functions and go together to your teacher conferences. We share a special connection, a special passion, and that is YOU. We would do anything for you, J, and we both love you more than anything in the world. I respect your dad. I care for your dad. I love him and Jo and all of daddy’s family for loving you as much as they do.

I hope that throughout the years our love is enough to make up for everything else that is missing in your life because of our divorce. I hope that the scars my decisions created are minimal and that all the good that has come out of this outweighs the bad. Your life is now filled with an extended family on both sides that love you dearly. You have two stepparents that are there for you 100% and that love you very much. And I pray and hope that I have been able to show you what a strong relationship full of love and respect looks like.


I love you forever.

Momma