Six years ago you came into my organized, clean, and predictable life like a tornado. It was hard, J. You and I had some rough days, months actually but the memories created watching you grow and flourish slowly erased all those ugly dark ones. I began to breathe and listen and look and together we discovered all the beautiful things God created for us.
I love kissing the palms of your hands. As a baby they were always so soft and warm and chubby. Now I love when your little hands comb my hair into crazy pigtails or when you gently put on ten layers of makeup on my face or offer to rub my shoulders. I don't know how I will get through writing this letter while at work without bawling…. That is what I remember Julianne. Those little hands and big, brown eyes are stamped in my mind and not the depression, the fears, the colic, and the long car rides. I hope that is what you remember too. From the moment they placed you on my chest, I vowed to be devoted to you. I vowed to never make a decision before considering how it would affect you. I vowed to tell you that I love you even when it annoyed you to no end because I didn't want one of your most special memories later to be of the ONE time your momma awkwardly told you she loved you. I want you to hear it so much that it is as normal and expected as hearing someone say Good Morning. I vowed to let you get as filthy as you wanted as long as you were smiling and exploring. I vowed to stop and get dirty with you. I hope you can one day look back and know in your heart with no doubt that your momma loved you. That your momma misses you when you are gone and cries because she misses you so much it hurts.
"How would you describe your child's personality?…. It was one of the hardest questions I've ever been asked because there were only three lines for the answer, and I felt like I was trying to describe a rainbow to someone who has been blind their entire life."
Julianne, you are so smart. I hope you got it from both momma and daddy. You are giving and caring and kind. You love playing outside and collecting rocks. I think we could build a wall around our house with all the rocks I have found in the washer. You are not very shy anymore and love telling strangers all about your daily adventures. You LOVE strawberries. I work just so that we can afford to buy them everyday. Just kidding. You LOVE Hershey's chocolate and ask for them everyday I pick you up. I am so proud of you for having so much love in your heart to share with all the new people in your life. I know you have brought joy and love to all of them.
I never knew a love so deep and consuming until you came into my life. The cliche phrase "I would die for you" meant nothing until I met you. I wouldn't trade all our fights over clothes and food and headbands for a thing in the world. I wouldn't trade the way you immediately sit up in the morning talking 100 miles an hour. I don't remember life before you. I don't really want to.
I hope you always have sobaco tacos for me.
And now if you could just stop growing up so fast. Just stay as you are, so funny, and smart. Stay.
Love, Momma
P.S. I love you more than that!! Got you!
:)
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