You don't know me

It's funny how throughout different stages of your life, you really think you have everything figured out. You are set in your ways and committed to your beliefs.

In your teens you know better than your stupid parents. You know that nothing bad will ever happen to you when you are out driving around with friends on a Saturday night, hanging out with that boy mom told you was not right for you, drinking that wine cooler cuz what's the worst that can happen. You think you know what true love really is. You know that living on your own and taking on adult responsibilities is gonna be way more fun than living with mom and dad who nag you all day long and impose these ridiculous strict rules.

In your twenties, you are an official bad ass. You think the boss is an idiot with his antiquated ways. You think people should be married by a certain age, have 2.5 kids, buy the over sized house and pay your HOA fees, drive an over sized SUV, and everything else our perfect society says we HAVE to do. And anyone that disagrees with anything you think or like is an idiot and not as good as you. And you really believe that you have figured out the meaning of life and that this is what will guide you the rest of your life. You are inflexible and maybe even arrogant.

I'm 35 and I can honestly say that about 90% of ideas I have had in my life and things I have valued and believed in are no longer the same. We plan for all these wonderful events and milestones in our life like marriage and children, work, new homes, etc. But are we ever prepared for the speed bumps, the hurdles, the setbacks, the divorce, the financial troubles, the bankruptcy, the unemployment, the illness, the loss of loved ones?

I have changed tremendously in my 30s. I had a schedule, a timeline, when all these wonderful things would happen in my life but when the hurdles presented themselves, one of my biggest stressors was the thought that I was having to adjust The Schedule. I have felt like I had LOST time dealing with these difficult events in my life but I was robbing myself of actually LIVING these moments and feeling them and making room for them on The Schedule. These events in my life have changed me dramatically so they are VERY important and in a wonderful way. They softened me and forced me to embrace the fact that I am far from perfect and have nothing to be ashamed of. And maybe it is the neurotic, obsessive-compulsive in me but these events not only changed The Schedule but also changed the characters in The Story. Maybe I always saw my life as a story that I had already written with these chapters that followed my timeline containing all the characters I had deemed worthy of being in it but of course now I realize that I am not the one writing the story and therefore, I have no idea what the plot is nor do I know the ending. "We make plans and God laughs."-RHNY

I was raised constantly being told by my mother that there was no such thing as real friends. In her lifetime of many trials and sadness, she had only had one true dear friend. She is my mother and of course, she knows best, right? On my list of important people in my life, my immediate family was always at the top of my list. My siblings are my best friends. My parents have always been my soft place to fall. I never understood the whole Sex In the City dynamic between those girls. Isn't blood thicker than water? Doesn't the fact that you share the same blood with someone automatically mean that they should be your best friend, your soul mate. Once again, I change.

Because of this value I was taught (with all good intentions and a lot of other underlying trust and love issues, I'm sure), I have dismissed and underestimated the love some of my friends and even non-blood relatives have for me. That even includes my Matty. I have taken for granted some people, dare I say, some friends that love me unconditionally and do not judge me. I have taken for granted the people in my life that actually notice that I can be kind and generous and genuine.

Diana, you have accepted me and loved me for 17 years now. Can you believe it's been that long? You have accepted that I am honest even when the honesty hurts. You have accepted that I am fair even when it is not in your favor. But you have also accepted that I love you and only want what is best for you because when you hurt, I also hurt. Thank you, my friend. My mom once told me that what she liked the best about you is that she could see how sincere your love as a friend for me was. She is a smart woman.

So if you think you know me, chances are you probably do not. Unless you live under the same roof as me or you have actually paid attention, you don't know me. I have changed tremendously and I hope that I continue to change. I hope I continue to learn new things and change my opinions on many things. I want to continue to grow as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend. If you think that I am critical or inconsiderate, you have not been paying attention. If you think I am opinionated and rude, you just missed the last ten compliments. If you think I am still this cold, sarcastic bitch you knew years ago, the one that was a ticking time bomb of emotions that knew the true meaning of life, then it's time for you to open your ears and your heart and stay a while. Let me introduce myself... my name is Nidia Stubblefield.