Tio Chapo

I have been very blessed to have attended very few funerals in my life. Actually, I had never lost a relative that I loved so much until a few weeks ago. I know my pain cannot compare to that of my Tio Chapo's children, 23 grandchildren, 20 great-grandchildren, my Tia Nacha, or his siblings' pain but it was surreal and quite devastating.

I have been approximately 600 miles away from him for the last 14 years, oblivious to how difficult his life had become because of his cancer. I was at a safe distance visiting him whenever I went back home, talking occasionally on the phone, sharing a few laughs. And honestly in the last year or so I was just in denial, refusing to let myself dwell on the possibility of losing him. I saw him last year at a family function and I couldn't help but run outside and cry like I hadn't cried in a very long time after I saw how frail he was.

See, let me tell you about this man and his family.... Tio Chapo was the epitome of strength. My entire life he had been the one who both my mother and father looked to for advice and wisdom and help of any kind. He taught my dad everything he now knows about mechanics and diesel engines. The extent of my dad's mechanical knowledge before my Tio was how to change the chain on a ten-speed. I do not think my Tio ever, ever said no. Whether it was for advice or help, he never turned his back on my parents or our family.

You would pull up to his house and would be overcome with a sense of calm and home. You would walk in and find him in the kitchen sitting in his favorite chair by the window while my Tia walked around cooking something delicious. As silly as this sounds, their phone number and address is something I have always had memorized since I was very little just in case...just in case. They are the closest I ever got to grandparents and I am lucky that I at least had them. His voice resonated and even now I cannot get it out of my head. His presence in a room even when he was very frail in his final years was impossible to ignore. So to see him that day at the party so frail and thin and using a cane, I was devastated and shocked because that is not the image of him I have in my head. In my mind, my Tio Chapo is and will always be that jolly, large, and strong man with the thunderous voice and silly sense of humor just like in my favorite picture where I am a baby and I have fallen asleep on his Santa belly. Every time my dad's phone rings, I will anxiously wait to hear him say "Que paso Compadre?". When I go back home to visit, there won't be that warm welcome when I walk into that kitchen.

While we were sitting at the rosary, I looked around to see the funeral home just bursting at the seams with people. Family alone took up most of the room but all the other people that knew and loved him were there too and I started to think how differently we all must feel to lose him. I wondered how much different my sorrow was compared to that of one of his old friends or compared to one of my younger 2nd or 3rd cousins who didn't know him as well or as long as the rest of us. I wondered what kind of sorrow my dad would feel now that he had lost truly his best and only friend.

I know we all felt something different but this entry is for me. This entry is so that I can finally allow myself to mourn. It is to allow myself to be sad at random moments in the day when I think of him and hear his voice in my head and realize that I'll never hear it again.

Gracias Tio Chapo

For Alex, Nyah, & William

I knew I had something to say about this but honestly my emotions are so many that I cant wrap my mind around all of them enough to write about it so please forgive me if I ramble….
About two weeks ago, a dear friend of mine had to rush up to Kansas because she got news that her dear niece and two nephews had died in a house fire. She loved those children tremendously and worried about them constantly. These three children had been bounced around and divided time after time because both their mother and father were overseas as active duty military. And without going into too much detail that I will probably get very, very wrong, let’s just say that their lives seemed to be filled with lies, drama, and ….well, I’ll go ahead and just say it, rejection. The biggest blessing in these children’s’ lives was the grandparents and aunts that cared for them and helped raise them. And these poor grandparents and aunts quite often also had to deal with the wrath and manipulation of their mother.
I told you I would ramble and be all over the place.
So why do I feel the strong need to right about the loss of these three beautiful babies? Because the fire allegedly began around 11 pm on a Saturday night while their mother “was nearby studying”. Yes, you heard me right! Are you as outraged as I am? Because I am wondering what adult in their right mind is not as outraged and asking the question “WHY WERE THEY ALONE?”. Let me tell you that the investigators have already ruled the fire accidental caused by flammable materials that were sitting too close to the furnace. Unfortunate and could happen to anyone. I often think twice before leaving all my laundry laying out too close to the water heater myself. So okay, it was an accident. Mom maybe couldn’t have prevented it and leaving those things could have been an honest mistake. But where was she? Why is no one asking who in their right mind would leave a 7, 5, and 3 year old all alone? What if it hadn’t been a fire? What if they had gotten out of bed and played with a knife or scissors or dropped the TV on their head?
This woman from what I have been told has a long history of lies, manipulation, and suspect behavior. Not only is it outrageous that unstable and/or selfish people can have children, but someone like that is in my military protecting my freedom. She couldn’t even protect her own children. Frankly it makes me angry because these children deserve answers. The rest of the family deserves answers. They have suffered for years worrying about these children and now they are all guilt-ridden and feel cheated that they were taken away.
I am no one to judge but I sure can speculate and question. I believe in God and although I do not understand why such sad things happen when there is a God I do believe they are now in a place where they will always be together. They will never be split up across different time zones while their mother is across the globe. They are now together being loved and accepted and at peace.


To Alex, Nyah, and William,

I never had the honor to meet you in person but I have heard about you since I first met your Titi Caryn a few years ago. I want you to know that she loved you very much and was always worried about you. She saw who you really were; fun, happy, and very good children. She thought you were all so sweet and smart and funny. I don’t know why you had to leave us so soon but I really, really hope you are happy and feel safe in God’s arms now. Even if sometimes you felt very sad and lonely when you had to say good bye to your mommy, daddy, or to each other when you had to live in separate places, remember that you were never ever alone because not only was God always right there next to you but your grandparents, your Tia Yesenia, your Titi Caryn, and your daddy were always thinking about you.
I hope now that you are three together forever that you can watch over my babies and be guardian angels for them. Always protect them and help me protect them as well.

Lots of love,
Titi Caryn’s friend