I am having a very difficult time defining forgiveness. It's strange because in my younger years I always considered myself to be very forgiving. I forgave my ex, the mean girls at school, my mom. Never felt I was carrying tons of weight on my heart from holding on to resentments and anger.
But now? Oh boy! I just do not know what it is exactly that I need to say or do to feel like i have 'forgiven' so that I can free myself of this heaviness in my heart. What does it take? Am I supposed to just 'forgive and forget' as they say and pretend it never happened? Doesn't that just make me stupid and leave the door wide open for them to hurt us again? Am I suppose to do some sort of grand gesture so that the people that have hurt me and my loved ones are 'forgiven'? Am I obligated to restore the relationship with these people just to show that I am a nice and forgiving person? Do I have to even be friendly or anything more than cordial?
Should it matter that some of the things done to us were done intentionally? Some maliciously? Are they allowed to use the excuse of just being plain stupid when I think they are just cowards? Am I obligated to extend the olive branch over and over again and 'get along' with people I really have no need for in my life, especially if I know there is a great chance that they will hurt us again? Does it require an apology on their part first? If someone has hurt my dearest loved one, is it 'disloyal' of me to pretend that person was never an utter ass to my loved one?
I just can't figure out if there is supposed to be some sort of defining moment that exhalts my forgiveness so that I can just move on already. It seems that until there is this huge dramatic moment, I will continue to be the bad guy. Oh and while I'm at, can I ask if it is written somewhere that I am also obligated to get along with everyone or like them? Isn't it enough if I just tolerate them?
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Showing posts with label truth. Show all posts
Monday, August 15, 2011
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
You don't know me
It's funny how throughout different stages of your life, you really think you have everything figured out. You are set in your ways and committed to your beliefs.
In your teens you know better than your stupid parents. You know that nothing bad will ever happen to you when you are out driving around with friends on a Saturday night, hanging out with that boy mom told you was not right for you, drinking that wine cooler cuz what's the worst that can happen. You think you know what true love really is. You know that living on your own and taking on adult responsibilities is gonna be way more fun than living with mom and dad who nag you all day long and impose these ridiculous strict rules.
In your twenties, you are an official bad ass. You think the boss is an idiot with his antiquated ways. You think people should be married by a certain age, have 2.5 kids, buy the over sized house and pay your HOA fees, drive an over sized SUV, and everything else our perfect society says we HAVE to do. And anyone that disagrees with anything you think or like is an idiot and not as good as you. And you really believe that you have figured out the meaning of life and that this is what will guide you the rest of your life. You are inflexible and maybe even arrogant.
I'm 35 and I can honestly say that about 90% of ideas I have had in my life and things I have valued and believed in are no longer the same. We plan for all these wonderful events and milestones in our life like marriage and children, work, new homes, etc. But are we ever prepared for the speed bumps, the hurdles, the setbacks, the divorce, the financial troubles, the bankruptcy, the unemployment, the illness, the loss of loved ones?
I have changed tremendously in my 30s. I had a schedule, a timeline, when all these wonderful things would happen in my life but when the hurdles presented themselves, one of my biggest stressors was the thought that I was having to adjust The Schedule. I have felt like I had LOST time dealing with these difficult events in my life but I was robbing myself of actually LIVING these moments and feeling them and making room for them on The Schedule. These events in my life have changed me dramatically so they are VERY important and in a wonderful way. They softened me and forced me to embrace the fact that I am far from perfect and have nothing to be ashamed of. And maybe it is the neurotic, obsessive-compulsive in me but these events not only changed The Schedule but also changed the characters in The Story. Maybe I always saw my life as a story that I had already written with these chapters that followed my timeline containing all the characters I had deemed worthy of being in it but of course now I realize that I am not the one writing the story and therefore, I have no idea what the plot is nor do I know the ending. "We make plans and God laughs."-RHNY
I was raised constantly being told by my mother that there was no such thing as real friends. In her lifetime of many trials and sadness, she had only had one true dear friend. She is my mother and of course, she knows best, right? On my list of important people in my life, my immediate family was always at the top of my list. My siblings are my best friends. My parents have always been my soft place to fall. I never understood the whole Sex In the City dynamic between those girls. Isn't blood thicker than water? Doesn't the fact that you share the same blood with someone automatically mean that they should be your best friend, your soul mate. Once again, I change.
Because of this value I was taught (with all good intentions and a lot of other underlying trust and love issues, I'm sure), I have dismissed and underestimated the love some of my friends and even non-blood relatives have for me. That even includes my Matty. I have taken for granted some people, dare I say, some friends that love me unconditionally and do not judge me. I have taken for granted the people in my life that actually notice that I can be kind and generous and genuine.
Diana, you have accepted me and loved me for 17 years now. Can you believe it's been that long? You have accepted that I am honest even when the honesty hurts. You have accepted that I am fair even when it is not in your favor. But you have also accepted that I love you and only want what is best for you because when you hurt, I also hurt. Thank you, my friend. My mom once told me that what she liked the best about you is that she could see how sincere your love as a friend for me was. She is a smart woman.
So if you think you know me, chances are you probably do not. Unless you live under the same roof as me or you have actually paid attention, you don't know me. I have changed tremendously and I hope that I continue to change. I hope I continue to learn new things and change my opinions on many things. I want to continue to grow as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend. If you think that I am critical or inconsiderate, you have not been paying attention. If you think I am opinionated and rude, you just missed the last ten compliments. If you think I am still this cold, sarcastic bitch you knew years ago, the one that was a ticking time bomb of emotions that knew the true meaning of life, then it's time for you to open your ears and your heart and stay a while. Let me introduce myself... my name is Nidia Stubblefield.
In your teens you know better than your stupid parents. You know that nothing bad will ever happen to you when you are out driving around with friends on a Saturday night, hanging out with that boy mom told you was not right for you, drinking that wine cooler cuz what's the worst that can happen. You think you know what true love really is. You know that living on your own and taking on adult responsibilities is gonna be way more fun than living with mom and dad who nag you all day long and impose these ridiculous strict rules.
In your twenties, you are an official bad ass. You think the boss is an idiot with his antiquated ways. You think people should be married by a certain age, have 2.5 kids, buy the over sized house and pay your HOA fees, drive an over sized SUV, and everything else our perfect society says we HAVE to do. And anyone that disagrees with anything you think or like is an idiot and not as good as you. And you really believe that you have figured out the meaning of life and that this is what will guide you the rest of your life. You are inflexible and maybe even arrogant.
I'm 35 and I can honestly say that about 90% of ideas I have had in my life and things I have valued and believed in are no longer the same. We plan for all these wonderful events and milestones in our life like marriage and children, work, new homes, etc. But are we ever prepared for the speed bumps, the hurdles, the setbacks, the divorce, the financial troubles, the bankruptcy, the unemployment, the illness, the loss of loved ones?
I have changed tremendously in my 30s. I had a schedule, a timeline, when all these wonderful things would happen in my life but when the hurdles presented themselves, one of my biggest stressors was the thought that I was having to adjust The Schedule. I have felt like I had LOST time dealing with these difficult events in my life but I was robbing myself of actually LIVING these moments and feeling them and making room for them on The Schedule. These events in my life have changed me dramatically so they are VERY important and in a wonderful way. They softened me and forced me to embrace the fact that I am far from perfect and have nothing to be ashamed of. And maybe it is the neurotic, obsessive-compulsive in me but these events not only changed The Schedule but also changed the characters in The Story. Maybe I always saw my life as a story that I had already written with these chapters that followed my timeline containing all the characters I had deemed worthy of being in it but of course now I realize that I am not the one writing the story and therefore, I have no idea what the plot is nor do I know the ending. "We make plans and God laughs."-RHNY
I was raised constantly being told by my mother that there was no such thing as real friends. In her lifetime of many trials and sadness, she had only had one true dear friend. She is my mother and of course, she knows best, right? On my list of important people in my life, my immediate family was always at the top of my list. My siblings are my best friends. My parents have always been my soft place to fall. I never understood the whole Sex In the City dynamic between those girls. Isn't blood thicker than water? Doesn't the fact that you share the same blood with someone automatically mean that they should be your best friend, your soul mate. Once again, I change.
Because of this value I was taught (with all good intentions and a lot of other underlying trust and love issues, I'm sure), I have dismissed and underestimated the love some of my friends and even non-blood relatives have for me. That even includes my Matty. I have taken for granted some people, dare I say, some friends that love me unconditionally and do not judge me. I have taken for granted the people in my life that actually notice that I can be kind and generous and genuine.
Diana, you have accepted me and loved me for 17 years now. Can you believe it's been that long? You have accepted that I am honest even when the honesty hurts. You have accepted that I am fair even when it is not in your favor. But you have also accepted that I love you and only want what is best for you because when you hurt, I also hurt. Thank you, my friend. My mom once told me that what she liked the best about you is that she could see how sincere your love as a friend for me was. She is a smart woman.
So if you think you know me, chances are you probably do not. Unless you live under the same roof as me or you have actually paid attention, you don't know me. I have changed tremendously and I hope that I continue to change. I hope I continue to learn new things and change my opinions on many things. I want to continue to grow as a woman, a wife, a mother, a friend. If you think that I am critical or inconsiderate, you have not been paying attention. If you think I am opinionated and rude, you just missed the last ten compliments. If you think I am still this cold, sarcastic bitch you knew years ago, the one that was a ticking time bomb of emotions that knew the true meaning of life, then it's time for you to open your ears and your heart and stay a while. Let me introduce myself... my name is Nidia Stubblefield.
Wednesday, September 2, 2009
Relational Aggression-look it up
I need to get this off my chest. I need to say out loud that bullies suck. There is this tiny little spot in my heart that weighs just a bit more than the rest. In it is ... well, i guess it's sadness, hurt feelings. Sadness brought on by years of girls just being downright mean. And you know, now looking back I realize that the one and only thing in common with every threat, ugly glance, silent treatment, my car getting keyed over and over, or nasty rumor was a boy. Some ridiculous, ugly-ass boy that in the end was worth nothing to any of us anyway. Whether it was because I was friends with a certain boy or because someone assumed their boyfriend wanted me or because they desperately wanted my boyfriend and couldn't have him. Whatever. And of course, if one girl doesn't like you, that means the other 10 in their little 'clique' doesn't like you either.
I know, I know...some of you, especially the boys will think this topic is RIDICULOUS and SOOOO 'high school' and it is but it is during high school that we as girls are building our self-esteem, are living dramatic broken hearts, and establishing friendships so no matter how stupid it all seems, I know it is important. And I know it will be important for me to be very in tune with Julianne and what is going on in her life. I want Julianne to have tougher skin than I did and realize that there are girls out there that will be driven by envy to say and do very mean things. I want her to know that she will have our support and will be there to defend her when she wants us to. (Like she said in kindergarten, "My stepdad will kill you!") I want her to never have to apologize for being prettier or smarter or happier or nicer.
So now being old and wise (and brave), i took it upon myself to reach out to a few of those people that I hadn't spoken to in years or ever because I thought they didn't like me. I figured I would reach out and hopefully feel better and I do. I wasn't losing sleep over lost friendships for the last 15 years but it still made me sad to know we shared mutual friends but didn't speak to each other. It sure feels good to have them in my life now and hopefully they take the time to get to know who I am and like me now that there are no boys in the way. ;)
I'm not the sweetest person you'll ever meet,I've never been super popular or gone out of my way to make friends but if we are friends, you will always hear the truth when you ask for it. I will try to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will not hide my faults from you. I will never envy you and if I do, I'll tell you cuz I have nothing to hide. The nicest thing anyone ever called me was 'genuine' and i liked that.
(There are still a few people I cant bring myself to reach out to cuz they were just way too mean, but I know resentment is toxic so one day I will be ready to do it. One day.)
Pheeeewwwww I feel a lot better. I have everything and I'm blessed.
I know, I know...some of you, especially the boys will think this topic is RIDICULOUS and SOOOO 'high school' and it is but it is during high school that we as girls are building our self-esteem, are living dramatic broken hearts, and establishing friendships so no matter how stupid it all seems, I know it is important. And I know it will be important for me to be very in tune with Julianne and what is going on in her life. I want Julianne to have tougher skin than I did and realize that there are girls out there that will be driven by envy to say and do very mean things. I want her to know that she will have our support and will be there to defend her when she wants us to. (Like she said in kindergarten, "My stepdad will kill you!") I want her to never have to apologize for being prettier or smarter or happier or nicer.
So now being old and wise (and brave), i took it upon myself to reach out to a few of those people that I hadn't spoken to in years or ever because I thought they didn't like me. I figured I would reach out and hopefully feel better and I do. I wasn't losing sleep over lost friendships for the last 15 years but it still made me sad to know we shared mutual friends but didn't speak to each other. It sure feels good to have them in my life now and hopefully they take the time to get to know who I am and like me now that there are no boys in the way. ;)
I'm not the sweetest person you'll ever meet,I've never been super popular or gone out of my way to make friends but if we are friends, you will always hear the truth when you ask for it. I will try to help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. I will not hide my faults from you. I will never envy you and if I do, I'll tell you cuz I have nothing to hide. The nicest thing anyone ever called me was 'genuine' and i liked that.
(There are still a few people I cant bring myself to reach out to cuz they were just way too mean, but I know resentment is toxic so one day I will be ready to do it. One day.)
Pheeeewwwww I feel a lot better. I have everything and I'm blessed.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
The Battle of Greener Grass
I am having trouble figuring out how I define my success so bare with me as I talk myself straight into some clarity.
It is an issue that causes me great conflict and tremendous guilt. I always believed I was destined for greatness.... now I am not sure if I achieved it or if it is yet to come. And the fact that this is actually on my mind makes me feel ashamed because I should feel grateful for the blessings that I do have instead of wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. I should appreciate every day I live instead of trying to meet an expectation or a timeline.
My husband adores me and my children are healthy and beautiful. I have not suffered great pain in my life. My parents are still married to each other and are healthy and alive. My siblings are successful in their own lives and have given me a beautiful niece, nephew, and wonderful 'in-laws'. I have a roof over my head and a vehicle that gets me from point A to B. I have some of the things that others wish they had. So what is missing? Which little basket is still empty?
Career and finance. Can those just not fit in the category of blessings from God? Yes, I know. Money cannot buy you love and happiness. I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated with 'getting by', 'surviving another 8 hours in the cubicle', the prospect of filing, looking at these numbers day in and day out, looking at the scale day in and day out.
So here it is, here is how I'm going to see it.... I am just a few hops and skips away from the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and just because I'm 34 doesn't mean I don’t have enough steam in me to take those last few steps. What's in my future? Making the most out of this real estate opportunity and my husband's new company. Finally being financially comfortable to be able to take a sigh of relief and be available for my family. Being so satisfied in my career that I can be excited to get out of bed every morning.
That is where I am headed. Greatness.
It is an issue that causes me great conflict and tremendous guilt. I always believed I was destined for greatness.... now I am not sure if I achieved it or if it is yet to come. And the fact that this is actually on my mind makes me feel ashamed because I should feel grateful for the blessings that I do have instead of wondering if the grass is greener on the other side. I should appreciate every day I live instead of trying to meet an expectation or a timeline.
My husband adores me and my children are healthy and beautiful. I have not suffered great pain in my life. My parents are still married to each other and are healthy and alive. My siblings are successful in their own lives and have given me a beautiful niece, nephew, and wonderful 'in-laws'. I have a roof over my head and a vehicle that gets me from point A to B. I have some of the things that others wish they had. So what is missing? Which little basket is still empty?
- Relationship basket: CHECK; I have a wonderful, hard working, supportive, and very handsome husband.
- Children basket: CHECK; two beautiful children
- Home basket: CHECK; bought and sold a few
- Degree basket: CHECK; took forever but I finished!
- Career basket: BLAH!
- Finances basket: YUCK!
Career and finance. Can those just not fit in the category of blessings from God? Yes, I know. Money cannot buy you love and happiness. I'm just frustrated. I'm frustrated with 'getting by', 'surviving another 8 hours in the cubicle', the prospect of filing, looking at these numbers day in and day out, looking at the scale day in and day out.
So here it is, here is how I'm going to see it.... I am just a few hops and skips away from the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow and just because I'm 34 doesn't mean I don’t have enough steam in me to take those last few steps. What's in my future? Making the most out of this real estate opportunity and my husband's new company. Finally being financially comfortable to be able to take a sigh of relief and be available for my family. Being so satisfied in my career that I can be excited to get out of bed every morning.
That is where I am headed. Greatness.
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
I wish I was a man
so...
I wouldn't care that I don't look like I did at 21 anymore
my gray hairs would make me 'distinguished'
these zits wouldn't be THAT big a deal
that foreplay wouldn't be necessary
that I could get ready in ten minutes instead of 45 in the morning
that I wouldn't have to put on my makeup, pluck my eyebrows, and curl my hair while I drive
I wouldn't have to wear SPANKS
all I'd have to worry about is bringing home a paycheck and taking care of the lawn
that I wouldn't have to keep five to do lists to remember everything I need to get done
I was good at sound affects and video games
I wouldn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse a baby
that I wouldn't notice how dusty the furniture is or how dirty the house is sometimes
I didn't care about what my body looks like after two babies
I could just shave my head instead of 'do my hair'
I would only have to worry about shaving 1 place on my body instead of 3
I could be oblivious to the little things
my clothes was just clothes and not 'outfits'
that I wouldn't be feeling the PAIN from the war going on in my ovaries the last few months
that I wouldn't have to remember to take a pill every day
so my muffin top and saddle bags would go unnoticed
I wouldn't care that I don't look like I did at 21 anymore
my gray hairs would make me 'distinguished'
these zits wouldn't be THAT big a deal
that foreplay wouldn't be necessary
that I could get ready in ten minutes instead of 45 in the morning
that I wouldn't have to put on my makeup, pluck my eyebrows, and curl my hair while I drive
I wouldn't have to wear SPANKS
all I'd have to worry about is bringing home a paycheck and taking care of the lawn
that I wouldn't have to keep five to do lists to remember everything I need to get done
I was good at sound affects and video games
I wouldn't have to wake up in the middle of the night to nurse a baby
that I wouldn't notice how dusty the furniture is or how dirty the house is sometimes
I didn't care about what my body looks like after two babies
I could just shave my head instead of 'do my hair'
I would only have to worry about shaving 1 place on my body instead of 3
I could be oblivious to the little things
my clothes was just clothes and not 'outfits'
that I wouldn't be feeling the PAIN from the war going on in my ovaries the last few months
that I wouldn't have to remember to take a pill every day
so my muffin top and saddle bags would go unnoticed
Monday, April 6, 2009
Monday, March 30, 2009
I can't stand...
...answering the phone,
whining,
when people lick their fingers while they eat (it's the slurping noise that bugs me),
when someone doesn't ring out the washcloth/sponge after washing dishes,
people that clip their fingernails at work and I can hear it,
when people have 'stuff' in their ear,
people that 'cruise' on the left lane (MOVE!!),
that gross 'phlegm' thing guys do,
when people stand around and chat right in the middle of everyone's way (MOVE!!!),
people that stare,
wet towels on the floor,
people that give me a hard time for not keeping in touch (you know where to find me!),
when people tell me I have chicken legs (at least i don't have cankles!!),
lukewarm food,
spirit fingers,
rhetorical questions,
girls that try too hard,
girls that settle..
whining,
when people lick their fingers while they eat (it's the slurping noise that bugs me),
when someone doesn't ring out the washcloth/sponge after washing dishes,
people that clip their fingernails at work and I can hear it,
when people have 'stuff' in their ear,
people that 'cruise' on the left lane (MOVE!!),
that gross 'phlegm' thing guys do,
when people stand around and chat right in the middle of everyone's way (MOVE!!!),
people that stare,
wet towels on the floor,
people that give me a hard time for not keeping in touch (you know where to find me!),
when people tell me I have chicken legs (at least i don't have cankles!!),
lukewarm food,
spirit fingers,
rhetorical questions,
girls that try too hard,
girls that settle..
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Don't ever call me...
high maintenance
a mall lover/shopaholic
a psycho jealous girlfriend/wife
unorganized
a nag
punctual (lol)
a bad mother (that one has serious consequences)
a prude
typical
conceited (vain maybe, but not conceited)
cold (but you probably would never call me sweet)
indecisive
a cheerleader
a mall lover/shopaholic
a psycho jealous girlfriend/wife
unorganized
a nag
punctual (lol)
a bad mother (that one has serious consequences)
a prude
typical
conceited (vain maybe, but not conceited)
cold (but you probably would never call me sweet)
indecisive
a cheerleader
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Know It All
My hubby teases me that I am a know-it-all. It kinda hurts my feelings but I can see why he says that. I have an opinion and advice for almost every subject that ever comes up even if it's about something on TV.
I am not a professional 'anything' obviously; not a counselor, not a childhood development specialist, not a psychiatrist, and not a life coach, etc. All I know is what I have lived and what has worked for me (and probably one too many episodes of Dr Phil and Oprah :O).
But I can't help but worry that maybe someone one day may think I am condescending...would that be the right word to use? I hope no one thinks that I may believe I have it all figured out or that my life is perfect because I don't and it is not. I am not old and wise nor have I had the kind of extraordinary life experiences you would make a hallmark movie about or end up on Oprah's couch. But I have had to learn and grow just like every other human. I have learned what does and doesn't work with my children, with my time management, with finances,with relationships. I have bought and sold a few homes, had a few jobs, survived the battlegrounds of a divorce, and kept myself from making a total mess of my whole life and I have taken a few mental notes of all the little things that have helped me get by. And obviously, as one gets older we start to form opinions and values about what is and what is not important in life. And boy how those ideas change every few years!
But more importantly, not only have I paid attention to my life but I have really listened to all the other adults around me and taken note of what has worked for them. My mom pointed out how I tend to usually surround myself by close friends that are either much much younger than I or way way older. I suppose it is because I like to learn so much from my older friends and in turn help out the younger ones.
All in all, I try my best to only share my two cents if you ask me for it and because I honestly do care about you and hate to see you struggle...unless its someone on TV, then they have to hear me out whether they want to or not!!
I am not a professional 'anything' obviously; not a counselor, not a childhood development specialist, not a psychiatrist, and not a life coach, etc. All I know is what I have lived and what has worked for me (and probably one too many episodes of Dr Phil and Oprah :O).
But I can't help but worry that maybe someone one day may think I am condescending...would that be the right word to use? I hope no one thinks that I may believe I have it all figured out or that my life is perfect because I don't and it is not. I am not old and wise nor have I had the kind of extraordinary life experiences you would make a hallmark movie about or end up on Oprah's couch. But I have had to learn and grow just like every other human. I have learned what does and doesn't work with my children, with my time management, with finances,with relationships. I have bought and sold a few homes, had a few jobs, survived the battlegrounds of a divorce, and kept myself from making a total mess of my whole life and I have taken a few mental notes of all the little things that have helped me get by. And obviously, as one gets older we start to form opinions and values about what is and what is not important in life. And boy how those ideas change every few years!
But more importantly, not only have I paid attention to my life but I have really listened to all the other adults around me and taken note of what has worked for them. My mom pointed out how I tend to usually surround myself by close friends that are either much much younger than I or way way older. I suppose it is because I like to learn so much from my older friends and in turn help out the younger ones.
All in all, I try my best to only share my two cents if you ask me for it and because I honestly do care about you and hate to see you struggle...unless its someone on TV, then they have to hear me out whether they want to or not!!
Thursday, December 4, 2008
i wish, i want, i need
I have met people in my life that have huge voids and just cannot seem to fill them. Some want to fill them with drinking or drugs, bad relationships, some with their careers, and some with material things. But I have also met people that are very complacent and lack some healthy ambition. So then where does that put me if I have a problem with both sides?
I feel fulfilled but I don't feel like I have hit my potential or accomplished everything that I could. I don't have a sense of emptiness. I don't feel like I am wandering around aimlessly or always wanting more and more. I can actually just sit still. And as I think about some of these people that seem 'empty', I can honestly tell you that the common thread between them is their lack of spirituality. No, not religion, spirituality. I have God in my heart. Go ahead, puke just a little as you read this. If you know me, you know that I am not some fanatic. You know that I have screwed up at least 5 out of the 10 commandments...hey, I am so bad that I couldn't even tell you what all 10 are. I do not go to church every Sunday and I think some of our 'rules' are antiquated and not practical anymore. But I have FAITH and I BELIEVE. And although some of these ...lets call them 'empties'...although some of these empties BELIEVE, I don't see that they have unconditional faith. I don't see that they SURRENDER.
I see pretty things on TV or on my quarterly trip to the mall but don't obsess over them. I do understand the feeling you get when you've bought something new. (It's kind of like the feeling I get when I had some yummy carbs.) So if you ask me what I want for Christmas, I would have to think really, really hard. So I shall take this opportunity though to make a wish list. A wish list so you can see just how hard it is for me to come up with stuff which means that over all, my life is pretty blessed.....let's see how long this takes me :)
I wish...
I could get back in shape as quickly as I did with J
I could lose just 8 pounds
I had more closet space
I could get rid of some of the clutter
my car was always clean
I could afford someone to iron my clothes
I had perfect eyebrows
my makeup and hair ALWAYS looked perfect
I had pretty hands
J liked girly clothes
I could worry just a little less about money, just a little
my family lived closer, just a little closer
I could be the magic little pill that healed his heart
she would make up her mind
I could write a book
I was the supervisor somewhere
I could dance
I took some bad ass, professional pictures and knew lots about photography
I knew how to make tamales and pozole
I could get a good night's sleep
I didn't have to spend my afternoons in the kitchen
I had the energy to exercise cuz I know I would feel so much better
The End
I feel fulfilled but I don't feel like I have hit my potential or accomplished everything that I could. I don't have a sense of emptiness. I don't feel like I am wandering around aimlessly or always wanting more and more. I can actually just sit still. And as I think about some of these people that seem 'empty', I can honestly tell you that the common thread between them is their lack of spirituality. No, not religion, spirituality. I have God in my heart. Go ahead, puke just a little as you read this. If you know me, you know that I am not some fanatic. You know that I have screwed up at least 5 out of the 10 commandments...hey, I am so bad that I couldn't even tell you what all 10 are. I do not go to church every Sunday and I think some of our 'rules' are antiquated and not practical anymore. But I have FAITH and I BELIEVE. And although some of these ...lets call them 'empties'...although some of these empties BELIEVE, I don't see that they have unconditional faith. I don't see that they SURRENDER.
I see pretty things on TV or on my quarterly trip to the mall but don't obsess over them. I do understand the feeling you get when you've bought something new. (It's kind of like the feeling I get when I had some yummy carbs.) So if you ask me what I want for Christmas, I would have to think really, really hard. So I shall take this opportunity though to make a wish list. A wish list so you can see just how hard it is for me to come up with stuff which means that over all, my life is pretty blessed.....let's see how long this takes me :)
I wish...
I could get back in shape as quickly as I did with J
I could lose just 8 pounds
I had more closet space
I could get rid of some of the clutter
my car was always clean
I could afford someone to iron my clothes
I had perfect eyebrows
my makeup and hair ALWAYS looked perfect
I had pretty hands
J liked girly clothes
I could worry just a little less about money, just a little
my family lived closer, just a little closer
I could be the magic little pill that healed his heart
she would make up her mind
I could write a book
I was the supervisor somewhere
I could dance
I took some bad ass, professional pictures and knew lots about photography
I knew how to make tamales and pozole
I could get a good night's sleep
I didn't have to spend my afternoons in the kitchen
I had the energy to exercise cuz I know I would feel so much better
The End
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Handouts
There is a family in town that is expecting multiples. I think it is such a blessing that they were able to get pregnant and that the babies are healthy. I think it is a blessing that they wanted babies so much that they opted to keep all the babies....but I am sorry, this is where my God-loving and sympathetic thread ends.
This family has a website where they have posted their gift registries and provided links to accept donations through paypal. They have also published their 'Wish List' which includes a new Ford Expedition. The father was recently gifted a scholarship to get his MBA at a nearby university. They claim to be VERY Christian and have a lot of support from their church.
I know it sounds awfully unChristian of me and even a tad bit envious and yes, yes I am a bit jealous. But isn't it VERY unChristian to ASK for donations like this especially when they are high end and extravagant items such as large capacity appliances, a new SUV? Whatever happened to living modestly and being humble and gracious. What ever happened to 'Beggars can't be Choosers'?
Infertility treatment is a very difficult decision. Not only is it expensive, it is emotionally trying to a relationship, and it comes with the HUGE risk of having multiples. I understand that they made that choice as a couple because they wanted to have another baby that bad. I get it. But if you have a modest income, don't you think twice about a decision like this when you do the math and add up the cost of babies, of insuring them with medical and dental, etc.?
We chose to have Tyler. We planned Tyler and even then, we planned poorly because our debt is too much to permit me to stay at home. Our incomes are too small and daycare is expensive. But that is no one else's problem but mine and my hubby's. I do not have a link on my blog asking for donations through paypal. We do not use Medicaid or use food stamps. Instead my husband is up to 3 jobs now. Instead we are cutting back on everything we can possibly live without. My children do not have cute clothes from the mall unless Granny bought it for them. Tyler's crib, furniture, high chair, travel crib, and everything else was a hand me down. But the modest conditions in which we live are really LUXURIOUS compared to so many other families. Now that is the real blessing!
This family has a website where they have posted their gift registries and provided links to accept donations through paypal. They have also published their 'Wish List' which includes a new Ford Expedition. The father was recently gifted a scholarship to get his MBA at a nearby university. They claim to be VERY Christian and have a lot of support from their church.
I know it sounds awfully unChristian of me and even a tad bit envious and yes, yes I am a bit jealous. But isn't it VERY unChristian to ASK for donations like this especially when they are high end and extravagant items such as large capacity appliances, a new SUV? Whatever happened to living modestly and being humble and gracious. What ever happened to 'Beggars can't be Choosers'?
Infertility treatment is a very difficult decision. Not only is it expensive, it is emotionally trying to a relationship, and it comes with the HUGE risk of having multiples. I understand that they made that choice as a couple because they wanted to have another baby that bad. I get it. But if you have a modest income, don't you think twice about a decision like this when you do the math and add up the cost of babies, of insuring them with medical and dental, etc.?
We chose to have Tyler. We planned Tyler and even then, we planned poorly because our debt is too much to permit me to stay at home. Our incomes are too small and daycare is expensive. But that is no one else's problem but mine and my hubby's. I do not have a link on my blog asking for donations through paypal. We do not use Medicaid or use food stamps. Instead my husband is up to 3 jobs now. Instead we are cutting back on everything we can possibly live without. My children do not have cute clothes from the mall unless Granny bought it for them. Tyler's crib, furniture, high chair, travel crib, and everything else was a hand me down. But the modest conditions in which we live are really LUXURIOUS compared to so many other families. Now that is the real blessing!
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Tongue tied
Why is it so hard to say I am sorry and I love you. What is it about these phrases that you sometimes just cannot spit them out? Do you have this problem? Can you say I am sorry and have it sound so sincere that it means something? And how do you know when a situation warrants an I am sorry? If you say it all the time, does it start to lose meaning after a while? When you know an apology is due, should acts of kindness and guilt replace the actual words "I am sorry"?
Do you tell all your loved ones I love you? Every day? Once in a while? Does it come out naturally? Why is it sometimes easier to tell just any 'ol friend you love them but can't tell your own siblings and parents? Where do those walls come from that keep you from saying it? Should it just be assumed that you love them and they love you? Does it make a difference to hear it? I know it sure feels good to say it to my hubby and my babies.
I am gonna set myself a goal...I want to be able to tell my parents and siblings that I love them AND have them tell me by the time Christmas time rolls around. That can be our gift to each other. Isn't that what Christmas is all about?
Do you tell all your loved ones I love you? Every day? Once in a while? Does it come out naturally? Why is it sometimes easier to tell just any 'ol friend you love them but can't tell your own siblings and parents? Where do those walls come from that keep you from saying it? Should it just be assumed that you love them and they love you? Does it make a difference to hear it? I know it sure feels good to say it to my hubby and my babies.
I am gonna set myself a goal...I want to be able to tell my parents and siblings that I love them AND have them tell me by the time Christmas time rolls around. That can be our gift to each other. Isn't that what Christmas is all about?
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Can't
I can't pay my bills and I can't button my pants.
I haven't felt this bad in a very long time.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
D, you made my day
I just received an email from a good friend of mine that contained a long string of emails we had sent back and forth to each other back in August of 2006 when she was considering leaving her husband and I was trying to talk her through it. Now, 2 years later, in this email she tells me that I was right all along.
I cannot begin to tell you how good that makes me feel. Not in a cocky, I told you so kind of way. I feel validated that all my concerns and advice were never ill-intended. It was all coming from a place of love and appreciation for who she is as a person, in hopes that she could learn to see the beautiful person i saw in her.
I was never trying to start this Ex-Wives Club and I dont think divorce is the answer to everything. I dont think all men are jerks. I really think that most of the time, the woman in the relationship shares the biggest responsibility for a relationship failing. We take on this "don't rock the boat" attitude, avoid conflict at all cost. We nurture and enable bad habits. We sometimes take on the "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself" attitude. We think that asking for what we want (flowers, romance, help around the house, etc) will be considered nagging. They cannot read our minds so ask. Now if you ask for something, whether big or small, and you get a no back, then it's time to make a big decision.
So two years later, this friend has found happiness. She has found self-worth and self-respect. She has found romance and true love and I am so very happy for her. I am glad that she finally sees what I see. So that is one more woman in my book of good that I have helped.
I still have a few more I am working on.... I'm on a mission!
I cannot begin to tell you how good that makes me feel. Not in a cocky, I told you so kind of way. I feel validated that all my concerns and advice were never ill-intended. It was all coming from a place of love and appreciation for who she is as a person, in hopes that she could learn to see the beautiful person i saw in her.
I was never trying to start this Ex-Wives Club and I dont think divorce is the answer to everything. I dont think all men are jerks. I really think that most of the time, the woman in the relationship shares the biggest responsibility for a relationship failing. We take on this "don't rock the boat" attitude, avoid conflict at all cost. We nurture and enable bad habits. We sometimes take on the "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself" attitude. We think that asking for what we want (flowers, romance, help around the house, etc) will be considered nagging. They cannot read our minds so ask. Now if you ask for something, whether big or small, and you get a no back, then it's time to make a big decision.
So two years later, this friend has found happiness. She has found self-worth and self-respect. She has found romance and true love and I am so very happy for her. I am glad that she finally sees what I see. So that is one more woman in my book of good that I have helped.
I still have a few more I am working on.... I'm on a mission!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Frustrated
I am frustrated right now. I always get caught up helping a friend in a bad relationship and it always follows the same pattern, the same timeline and I do it because I love my friends. I probably love them more than they love themselves really. Anyway, somewhere in that timeline is always that moment where I just want to shake them until they get it, until they see what everyone from the outside looking in can see. It's this moment where I am so terribly sad that this creature, this woman created with all of God's love just does not understand her own worth. And it is in this moment that I am sure she has made a list of reasons why she should not be in this relationship and a list of reasons why she should stay. I don't know what could possibly be in the list of reasons to stay that could be so powerful as to make someone stay.
So in my frustration I asked my sister why it is that her and I are not in the same predicament. (Now mind you, I am not saying we never have been or never will be. If you know me, you know I have made some bad choices and so has she in our young and stupid days.) Her answer was so simple and absolutely right: "mom was an example that we don't need a man! nice to have but not NEEDED. "
So I look at my list of friends on myspace and it is the best example of what my sister has said. A lot of my friends that are on there and happy in their relationship with their man have had a strong role model in their life (Lil Mari, Ashley, Holly, Diana, Caryn, Ninet). Sometimes it it is the mother who is strong, maybe wears the pants in the family, or just has been treated with respect by her husband. Sometimes it is a father who has set the example as to how to treat a woman and has encouraged his daughter to have strong self-esteem. Thank you Mom. Thank you Dad.
All this makes me realize how lucky I am. I am so lucky to have found a man that loves me and respects me and takes care of me. I am so lucky that I love myself as much as I do because that way I know that no one would ever be allowed to hurt me again. And I am lucky to be surrounded by strong women that love themselves, love their husbands, and love their families. Let's go out and save the rest of them...no matter how much it frustrates me. :)
So in my frustration I asked my sister why it is that her and I are not in the same predicament. (Now mind you, I am not saying we never have been or never will be. If you know me, you know I have made some bad choices and so has she in our young and stupid days.) Her answer was so simple and absolutely right: "mom was an example that we don't need a man! nice to have but not NEEDED. "
So I look at my list of friends on myspace and it is the best example of what my sister has said. A lot of my friends that are on there and happy in their relationship with their man have had a strong role model in their life (Lil Mari, Ashley, Holly, Diana, Caryn, Ninet). Sometimes it it is the mother who is strong, maybe wears the pants in the family, or just has been treated with respect by her husband. Sometimes it is a father who has set the example as to how to treat a woman and has encouraged his daughter to have strong self-esteem. Thank you Mom. Thank you Dad.
All this makes me realize how lucky I am. I am so lucky to have found a man that loves me and respects me and takes care of me. I am so lucky that I love myself as much as I do because that way I know that no one would ever be allowed to hurt me again. And I am lucky to be surrounded by strong women that love themselves, love their husbands, and love their families. Let's go out and save the rest of them...no matter how much it frustrates me. :)
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