I am having a very difficult time defining forgiveness. It's strange because in my younger years I always considered myself to be very forgiving. I forgave my ex, the mean girls at school, my mom. Never felt I was carrying tons of weight on my heart from holding on to resentments and anger.
But now? Oh boy! I just do not know what it is exactly that I need to say or do to feel like i have 'forgiven' so that I can free myself of this heaviness in my heart. What does it take? Am I supposed to just 'forgive and forget' as they say and pretend it never happened? Doesn't that just make me stupid and leave the door wide open for them to hurt us again? Am I suppose to do some sort of grand gesture so that the people that have hurt me and my loved ones are 'forgiven'? Am I obligated to restore the relationship with these people just to show that I am a nice and forgiving person? Do I have to even be friendly or anything more than cordial?
Should it matter that some of the things done to us were done intentionally? Some maliciously? Are they allowed to use the excuse of just being plain stupid when I think they are just cowards? Am I obligated to extend the olive branch over and over again and 'get along' with people I really have no need for in my life, especially if I know there is a great chance that they will hurt us again? Does it require an apology on their part first? If someone has hurt my dearest loved one, is it 'disloyal' of me to pretend that person was never an utter ass to my loved one?
I just can't figure out if there is supposed to be some sort of defining moment that exhalts my forgiveness so that I can just move on already. It seems that until there is this huge dramatic moment, I will continue to be the bad guy. Oh and while I'm at, can I ask if it is written somewhere that I am also obligated to get along with everyone or like them? Isn't it enough if I just tolerate them?
Showing posts with label doormats. Show all posts
Showing posts with label doormats. Show all posts
Monday, August 15, 2011
Thursday, December 18, 2008
btw
Oh and by the way...all the complaining I do about women in bad relationships...it applies to GUYS as well. You are just as nuts as us!
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Friday, December 12, 2008
the day i stopped caring
I quit. I quit trying to knock sense into all my friends that have put themselves in bad relationships. I am done offering advice and insight. I am done offering support, encouragement,compliments, and boosts of self-esteem.
I will now be one of those nice pleasant people that just smile and say, "I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I am sure he is sorry. I am sure he will change. I am sure you will decide what is best for you and follow your heart."
I will also say:
"I am sure he just needed to deal with his stress when he went out drinking and got shit-faced while you were at home puking your guts out from the morning sickness. Poor guy."
"He's held you at gunpoint? Oh I am sure he didn't mean it."
"You're engaged? Your early twenties is the perfect time in your life to make such a life long commitment. You'll never end up divorced like me!"
"I wouldn't leave him no matter how much he emotionally/physically/mentally abuses you or takes you for granted. What if he is the best you can do and you end up all alone the rest of your life?! I mean come on, who is gonna want a gorgeous, intelligent girl with a successful career. Yuck."
"Girl, no matter how stupid he is for treating you so bad, you know he can change. You can always change ignorance. You can always make him love you a little bit more. Maybe one day you can start being his priority and not just his option."
"He has absolutely no interest in having children with you? Doesn't mean he doesn't love you."
"You think the marriage is falling apart and you should go to counseling if there is any chance of saving it but he won't go? He just wants you to 'get over it'? He is right you know. It's much easier to just pretend everything is ok. You are just blowing everything out of proportion anyway. It can't be that bad! You have a big house and a big car, what more do you want."
There was a girl once in her early twenties in a relatively crappy relationship. It really was just a dramatic volatile relationship because both her and the boyfriend were immature and inexperienced. I still think she deserves a better catch and that is only because at some point I actually cared about her and her family. But she has chosen to spend the rest of her life with him and although I am sad that at such a young age, she is so convinced that she can spend a beautiful and fulfilled lifetime with this boy, I am actually a little bit proud of her for one thing. When things got really bad, she made demands and had expectations that had to be met in order for the relationship to continue and as far as I know, she has kept such high standards and he has met them. I just wish them the best. The road only gets harder and harder from here on out.
So from now on, you're on your own. If you are having boy troubles, I will be able only to advise you to do the Christian thing and give forgiveness and second-chances in abundance no matter how offensive and disrespectful his behavior is. Everyone can change. If an alcoholic can get help for a DISEASE and counseling for emotional issues and be healed, if a wife-beater can promise to never raise his hand at you ever again and actually KEEP HIS PROMISE, and if a lazy-ass can LEARN to pick up his dirty socks and put down the toilet seat, then someone that just doesn't love you as much as you love him can surely change as well. I am sure there is some sort of treatment for that too. (I really hope you realize how sarcastic I am being! I actually believe someone can change in all those instances, but you cannot make someone love you more! They either do or they don't. )
P.S.
Dear Julie Pie,
None of this applies to you. You will be the one woman in my life and in my heart that I will torture with advice and compliments until you are in a loving relationship where you are respected and adored. I will continue to talk to you about what a healthy relationship should be like between a man and a woman and how God blessed us with the will and intelligence to make choices and achieve our happiness.
You may one day fall in love with a douche bag piece of crap that I will treat equally as crap and you will probably threaten to run away and screw up your life. If you do, I hope you learn from your grand mistake and that your heart heals quickly enough to realize that I was right all along and that you deserve more and only the best. You may even chose to not speak to me for months at a time because you think I just do not understand what it is like to be sooooo in love and how wonderful Mr. Shithead really is. That's ok. It's the price I will pay as your mother and it will hurt and I will miss you but I will love you and pray for you every night while you are away.
And I will be right here waiting for you with open arms and a shoulder to cry on when you are ready to come back home.
I love you pie.
Momma
I will now be one of those nice pleasant people that just smile and say, "I'm so sorry you are having a rough time. I am sure he is sorry. I am sure he will change. I am sure you will decide what is best for you and follow your heart."
I will also say:
"I am sure he just needed to deal with his stress when he went out drinking and got shit-faced while you were at home puking your guts out from the morning sickness. Poor guy."
"He's held you at gunpoint? Oh I am sure he didn't mean it."
"You're engaged? Your early twenties is the perfect time in your life to make such a life long commitment. You'll never end up divorced like me!"
"I wouldn't leave him no matter how much he emotionally/physically/mentally abuses you or takes you for granted. What if he is the best you can do and you end up all alone the rest of your life?! I mean come on, who is gonna want a gorgeous, intelligent girl with a successful career. Yuck."
"Girl, no matter how stupid he is for treating you so bad, you know he can change. You can always change ignorance. You can always make him love you a little bit more. Maybe one day you can start being his priority and not just his option."
"He has absolutely no interest in having children with you? Doesn't mean he doesn't love you."
"You think the marriage is falling apart and you should go to counseling if there is any chance of saving it but he won't go? He just wants you to 'get over it'? He is right you know. It's much easier to just pretend everything is ok. You are just blowing everything out of proportion anyway. It can't be that bad! You have a big house and a big car, what more do you want."
There was a girl once in her early twenties in a relatively crappy relationship. It really was just a dramatic volatile relationship because both her and the boyfriend were immature and inexperienced. I still think she deserves a better catch and that is only because at some point I actually cared about her and her family. But she has chosen to spend the rest of her life with him and although I am sad that at such a young age, she is so convinced that she can spend a beautiful and fulfilled lifetime with this boy, I am actually a little bit proud of her for one thing. When things got really bad, she made demands and had expectations that had to be met in order for the relationship to continue and as far as I know, she has kept such high standards and he has met them. I just wish them the best. The road only gets harder and harder from here on out.
So from now on, you're on your own. If you are having boy troubles, I will be able only to advise you to do the Christian thing and give forgiveness and second-chances in abundance no matter how offensive and disrespectful his behavior is. Everyone can change. If an alcoholic can get help for a DISEASE and counseling for emotional issues and be healed, if a wife-beater can promise to never raise his hand at you ever again and actually KEEP HIS PROMISE, and if a lazy-ass can LEARN to pick up his dirty socks and put down the toilet seat, then someone that just doesn't love you as much as you love him can surely change as well. I am sure there is some sort of treatment for that too. (I really hope you realize how sarcastic I am being! I actually believe someone can change in all those instances, but you cannot make someone love you more! They either do or they don't. )
P.S.
Dear Julie Pie,
None of this applies to you. You will be the one woman in my life and in my heart that I will torture with advice and compliments until you are in a loving relationship where you are respected and adored. I will continue to talk to you about what a healthy relationship should be like between a man and a woman and how God blessed us with the will and intelligence to make choices and achieve our happiness.
You may one day fall in love with a douche bag piece of crap that I will treat equally as crap and you will probably threaten to run away and screw up your life. If you do, I hope you learn from your grand mistake and that your heart heals quickly enough to realize that I was right all along and that you deserve more and only the best. You may even chose to not speak to me for months at a time because you think I just do not understand what it is like to be sooooo in love and how wonderful Mr. Shithead really is. That's ok. It's the price I will pay as your mother and it will hurt and I will miss you but I will love you and pray for you every night while you are away.
And I will be right here waiting for you with open arms and a shoulder to cry on when you are ready to come back home.
I love you pie.
Momma
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
D, you made my day
I just received an email from a good friend of mine that contained a long string of emails we had sent back and forth to each other back in August of 2006 when she was considering leaving her husband and I was trying to talk her through it. Now, 2 years later, in this email she tells me that I was right all along.
I cannot begin to tell you how good that makes me feel. Not in a cocky, I told you so kind of way. I feel validated that all my concerns and advice were never ill-intended. It was all coming from a place of love and appreciation for who she is as a person, in hopes that she could learn to see the beautiful person i saw in her.
I was never trying to start this Ex-Wives Club and I dont think divorce is the answer to everything. I dont think all men are jerks. I really think that most of the time, the woman in the relationship shares the biggest responsibility for a relationship failing. We take on this "don't rock the boat" attitude, avoid conflict at all cost. We nurture and enable bad habits. We sometimes take on the "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself" attitude. We think that asking for what we want (flowers, romance, help around the house, etc) will be considered nagging. They cannot read our minds so ask. Now if you ask for something, whether big or small, and you get a no back, then it's time to make a big decision.
So two years later, this friend has found happiness. She has found self-worth and self-respect. She has found romance and true love and I am so very happy for her. I am glad that she finally sees what I see. So that is one more woman in my book of good that I have helped.
I still have a few more I am working on.... I'm on a mission!
I cannot begin to tell you how good that makes me feel. Not in a cocky, I told you so kind of way. I feel validated that all my concerns and advice were never ill-intended. It was all coming from a place of love and appreciation for who she is as a person, in hopes that she could learn to see the beautiful person i saw in her.
I was never trying to start this Ex-Wives Club and I dont think divorce is the answer to everything. I dont think all men are jerks. I really think that most of the time, the woman in the relationship shares the biggest responsibility for a relationship failing. We take on this "don't rock the boat" attitude, avoid conflict at all cost. We nurture and enable bad habits. We sometimes take on the "if you want it done right, you have to do it yourself" attitude. We think that asking for what we want (flowers, romance, help around the house, etc) will be considered nagging. They cannot read our minds so ask. Now if you ask for something, whether big or small, and you get a no back, then it's time to make a big decision.
So two years later, this friend has found happiness. She has found self-worth and self-respect. She has found romance and true love and I am so very happy for her. I am glad that she finally sees what I see. So that is one more woman in my book of good that I have helped.
I still have a few more I am working on.... I'm on a mission!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Frustrated
I am frustrated right now. I always get caught up helping a friend in a bad relationship and it always follows the same pattern, the same timeline and I do it because I love my friends. I probably love them more than they love themselves really. Anyway, somewhere in that timeline is always that moment where I just want to shake them until they get it, until they see what everyone from the outside looking in can see. It's this moment where I am so terribly sad that this creature, this woman created with all of God's love just does not understand her own worth. And it is in this moment that I am sure she has made a list of reasons why she should not be in this relationship and a list of reasons why she should stay. I don't know what could possibly be in the list of reasons to stay that could be so powerful as to make someone stay.
So in my frustration I asked my sister why it is that her and I are not in the same predicament. (Now mind you, I am not saying we never have been or never will be. If you know me, you know I have made some bad choices and so has she in our young and stupid days.) Her answer was so simple and absolutely right: "mom was an example that we don't need a man! nice to have but not NEEDED. "
So I look at my list of friends on myspace and it is the best example of what my sister has said. A lot of my friends that are on there and happy in their relationship with their man have had a strong role model in their life (Lil Mari, Ashley, Holly, Diana, Caryn, Ninet). Sometimes it it is the mother who is strong, maybe wears the pants in the family, or just has been treated with respect by her husband. Sometimes it is a father who has set the example as to how to treat a woman and has encouraged his daughter to have strong self-esteem. Thank you Mom. Thank you Dad.
All this makes me realize how lucky I am. I am so lucky to have found a man that loves me and respects me and takes care of me. I am so lucky that I love myself as much as I do because that way I know that no one would ever be allowed to hurt me again. And I am lucky to be surrounded by strong women that love themselves, love their husbands, and love their families. Let's go out and save the rest of them...no matter how much it frustrates me. :)
So in my frustration I asked my sister why it is that her and I are not in the same predicament. (Now mind you, I am not saying we never have been or never will be. If you know me, you know I have made some bad choices and so has she in our young and stupid days.) Her answer was so simple and absolutely right: "mom was an example that we don't need a man! nice to have but not NEEDED. "
So I look at my list of friends on myspace and it is the best example of what my sister has said. A lot of my friends that are on there and happy in their relationship with their man have had a strong role model in their life (Lil Mari, Ashley, Holly, Diana, Caryn, Ninet). Sometimes it it is the mother who is strong, maybe wears the pants in the family, or just has been treated with respect by her husband. Sometimes it is a father who has set the example as to how to treat a woman and has encouraged his daughter to have strong self-esteem. Thank you Mom. Thank you Dad.
All this makes me realize how lucky I am. I am so lucky to have found a man that loves me and respects me and takes care of me. I am so lucky that I love myself as much as I do because that way I know that no one would ever be allowed to hurt me again. And I am lucky to be surrounded by strong women that love themselves, love their husbands, and love their families. Let's go out and save the rest of them...no matter how much it frustrates me. :)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
