i wish, i want, i need

I have met people in my life that have huge voids and just cannot seem to fill them. Some want to fill them with drinking or drugs, bad relationships, some with their careers, and some with material things. But I have also met people that are very complacent and lack some healthy ambition. So then where does that put me if I have a problem with both sides?

I feel fulfilled but I don't feel like I have hit my potential or accomplished everything that I could. I don't have a sense of emptiness. I don't feel like I am wandering around aimlessly or always wanting more and more. I can actually just sit still. And as I think about some of these people that seem 'empty', I can honestly tell you that the common thread between them is their lack of spirituality. No, not religion, spirituality. I have God in my heart. Go ahead, puke just a little as you read this. If you know me, you know that I am not some fanatic. You know that I have screwed up at least 5 out of the 10 commandments...hey, I am so bad that I couldn't even tell you what all 10 are. I do not go to church every Sunday and I think some of our 'rules' are antiquated and not practical anymore. But I have FAITH and I BELIEVE. And although some of these ...lets call them 'empties'...although some of these empties BELIEVE, I don't see that they have unconditional faith. I don't see that they SURRENDER.

I see pretty things on TV or on my quarterly trip to the mall but don't obsess over them. I do understand the feeling you get when you've bought something new. (It's kind of like the feeling I get when I had some yummy carbs.) So if you ask me what I want for Christmas, I would have to think really, really hard. So I shall take this opportunity though to make a wish list. A wish list so you can see just how hard it is for me to come up with stuff which means that over all, my life is pretty blessed.....let's see how long this takes me :)

I wish...
I could get back in shape as quickly as I did with J
I could lose just 8 pounds
I had more closet space
I could get rid of some of the clutter
my car was always clean
I could afford someone to iron my clothes
I had perfect eyebrows
my makeup and hair ALWAYS looked perfect
I had pretty hands
J liked girly clothes
I could worry just a little less about money, just a little
my family lived closer, just a little closer
I could be the magic little pill that healed his heart
she would make up her mind
I could write a book
I was the supervisor somewhere
I could dance
I took some bad ass, professional pictures and knew lots about photography
I knew how to make tamales and pozole
I could get a good night's sleep
I didn't have to spend my afternoons in the kitchen
I had the energy to exercise cuz I know I would feel so much better

The End